I hate Thanksgivukkah.

By: Sara Miller

There, I’ve said it! I’m sick of the “once in a lifetime” opportunity to use a Menurkey, because a cute Jewish elementary-schooler created it for a class project. Even the Jewish Women’s Archive’s latest email was titled “Dayenu, Thanksgivukkah!”

And oh, the song parodies! As if “Oils” (which lampoon’s Lorde’s pop hit “Royals”) wasn’t borderline-uncomfortable enough! I think Steven Colbert got it right when he said “How dare you, Hanukkah? Hanukkah celebrates the struggle of an oppressed people’s fight against invading conquerors, while Thanksgiving is about our healthy and nurturing relationship with the Indians.” They clearly have nothing in common!  Not to mention the Twitter handles! And the t-shirts! (Can anyone else not stop thinking about this?)

Whatever happened to the good old days where you gathered around the menorah, dripped hot wax over your fingers, and then had to sing Hanukkah songs for your presents? Wait, that was only my family? (You didn’t have mandatory spinning-like-a-dreidel twirls? Interesting.) Don’t get me wrong: I’m excited to visit with my family and friends. I’m psyched about spending time with community. I love the aura provided by both the Hanukkah candles and gathering around the table at Thanksgiving. But this bandwagon-jumping commercialism for a holiday that literally won’t happen again for a zillion years (or something like that) seems a bit much.

The Boston-area Jewish community even has an entire domain name dedicated to it!  Because where else would you go to look for pumpkin menorahs, Thomas Menino, coloring pages, nail polish ideas, and rap battles? Don’t forget the worldwide wordpress site! And, of course, Wikipedia. Did you know that “Thanksgivukkah” is a “pop-culture portmanteau neologism?” Me neither. Sheked b’vakasha, I don’t care. Although I must admit, for a page that’s only been around since October 3, it has quite the reference section. Pretty much everything I’ve linked to here and more.  Why are you even reading this, anyhow? What I’m doing now is nothing more than glorified Buzzfeed imitation.

Speaking of Buzzfeed….They have yarmulkes with buckles. They have a sharknado reference. They even have a (gasp!) custom Thanksgivvukah menu. Say it isn’t so! Why on earth would I even want to try tasting a Manishewitz-brined turkey or sweet potoato bourbon noodle kugel? Or challah apple stuffing. (Is it getting warm in here?) Pecan pie rugelach? Sweet potato latkes with cranberry applesauce?!

OK, internet, I’ll give this holiday fusion a try, if only for the sufganiyot options. Show me your worst—and somebody get me an ugly Thanksgivukkah sweater.

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